trust is a battlefield.

trusting God is so liberating and so hard.
It's like a battle inside me, one side saying, "no, this hurts, you're aching, stop thinking, stop functioning." and the other side saying, "no, I am going to praise God because he is awesome and mighty and infallible and nothing i say or do or want could ever change the amount of control that he has on my life." i don't know why that is such a tug-o-war in me.
i'm learning to trust.
i'm flushing out my system of the first response i've been taught and have always had of wanting to control and trusting the fallible me. God is the trustworthy one.

I have eleven days before I go to Asia for a month. I know that God will use me, even if i feel unusable. I have confidence in his power and in his ability. and in the talents and abilities that he has given me and created me with.

What a mighty God we serve.