even on his best of days.

Why do I hate it when my past mixes with my present, or when I think about it mixing with my future? I was just on facebook and saw that my dad had posted a video of the "firehouse shuffle." He used to be on our town's fire department and they would sing songs together. I have so many memories from when I was 10 and younger of those guys, they were all like family to me. When I saw this video, I thought, "Oh my word, how in the world did he get this?" And then come to find out they just performed together tonight in my hometown. I don't know why but it killed my heart to hear that. To know that I wasn't invited to partake in some of my favorite memories of childhood. That, again, I'm just an afterthought to my dad because he has a new and better life. One that doesn't include children or the responsibility that they bring with their existence. I know that this sounds absolutely harsh, and I'm completely exaggerating everything...but does it ever hurt. Right now, this feels like truth to me, even if I know it's not. Right now I believe that my dad doesn't really give a lick for me and that he never really did or will. And that if my own flesh and blood can't stand to care for me, then no one else really will, either. I know that's not true. But right now I don't want to believe the truth. I don't want to believe that he loves me. That, in reality, I'm his pride and joy. That he cares for me more than I could ever know. That no matter how much he loves me, it doesn't matter. His love doesn't count. Is that true? Does it count? In reality, in all truthfulness, life sucks. I know that my life isn't all that bad, but it still sucks. You can only compare your pain to other things which you have felt (no matter how empathetic you are), so to you, it's agonizing. All you want to do is lay in your bed and cry, because you know it will never be the same.
I need to be able to hear the truth LOUDER than the lies.
God, you are my father. You far exceed my father, which sometimes feels like it's not too difficult, but I know that even on my dad's best of days, you are so much more loving and caring of me than he could ever be. You provide everything for me. You protect me. You empower me. You search and know me. You judge me. You discipline me. You prune me. You water me. You give me peace. You give me hope. You give me wisdom. You give me eyes to peel back the front layer of this world to see into your world, the way things really are. You give me joy. You give me passion. You give me my ability to love. You give me a future. You give me a home. You give me the blood of your son...every day.